Doctors urge public to take up smoking

As it has become increasingly evident that stray smoke from a cigarette is the equivalent of mustard gas laced with airborne ebola, and in fact much, much worse than the stuff smokers are sucking down, doctors have been forced by the logic (sic) of their argument to concede that, well, you're better off smoking it yourself. Said one top official at the BMA: "we did want to ban smoking, but now we may try to make it compulsory."

ASH were unavailable for comment, being on a cultural exchange visit to North Korea.